Paper Bag

I'm finding it fairly hard to decipher the point of anything anymore. Get up, dress up, get down, dress down, play hard, work hard, live life to the fullest....blah blah tele-blah. It's like I'm listening to a CD on repeat...for a 21 year old I'm pretty fucking boring.

But when you make it, this thing we call life, interesting, you're ridiculed, judged, underestimated and told to be quiet. Maybe it's because I'm a girl. Maybe it's because I'm so young. Maybe it's because there's a riot in my heart and no one wants to fuck it all up with me.

Maybe I'm just rambling.

But there appeared to be a dove of hope. Something for me to grab on to. An olive branch....something to distract me from...well, me. Why, you say? Well I'll tell you why, I've got an odd relationship with myself and if I can detach a bit from my brain....I'll go to great lengths at times to do so. Even if it is my greatest asset.

So I go out on Saturday nights and I live it up. Sometimes I meet some boys. Dance around like a fool. Scream when your favourite song comes on (I'm a fan of: "I LOOOOOVE this song!!") Maybe sneak a kiss, but not often. Make a fool of myself. Fall a bit. But have a good time. Sue me. I tell said boys what I did in college and the grades I got (note the impressed looks on faces of said boys) what I'm going to do, the two MAs that I'm about to undertake...and they lose interest. Why is it that even today girls are still fighting social stigmas? Why can't I have an honours degree and a highly ambitious career ahead of myself at 21 AND still be a girl? Does it make me less appealing? If anything it makes me highly fucking interesting, dedicated and driven.

I tried dumbing myself down once and I highly regretted it, more so than a lot of other crappy things. Why you ask, once again? Because I shouldn't have to dumb myself down so someone will be interested. Sorry to scare you boys...but this is me. And I'm not throwing it all away so you can have your masculine god-complex.

Hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love. (Word, Fiona).

All your secret wishes could right now be coming true.

Summer's gone. It struggled here in our fair city...but I think it truly crapped out and abandoned us for warmer waters today. There's something about a change of season...you can feel it in your bones, coming about a mile off. Not that I mind, autumn and winter are pretty much my favourite time of year (the weather, my birthday...the clothes!!)

My point in discussing the change of season is that many a nostalgic note has been dragged up in my mind these past weeks, that are related to the time of year. Ever find yourself missing and reminiscing but you're not really sure why? Something you thought was dead and gone, well it keeps cropping back up when you least expect it, slinking like a cat on a garden wall, sliding in the window and curling up for sleep before you even realise it's on your pillow...yeah well, whatever, that's been happening to me. Lately I've been finding myself remembering and missing things that I thought I'd long since lost all feeling for. All good feeling at least.

With all this change I feel like I should finally be content, putting it all to bed, relaxing in myself and just growing up. But old habits die hard I guess. Maybe I'm just suffering a severe bout of culture shock.

Whatever it is, it'd wanna shift it's ass...pronto.